“Don’t Drink Your Fart Water”


In an alternate universe I would never hear this sentence. In this universe it barely raises an eyebrow. Ice was on the phone with a friend and her son was making bubbles in the tub… shall we say? And then to make sure he hit that level of grossness most boys aspire to, he was attempting to drink the water.  If you’re a Mom, this is a perfectly normal quote, right? If your friend on the other end of the line is a Dad, he totally gets it. Thus you share.

The absurdity of what is heard and deciphered by parents from their children is priceless.

When I was growing up my parents had what we all refer to as “The Book”. A red, cloth-covered journal that houses years’ worth of utterly zany quotes, quips and outbursts from me and my quick-witted siblings.

Even as adults we have sat at my Mom’s on more than one occasion and begged to read “The Book”. So when I had my son (now 11), my Dad thought it a fitting gift while still in the hospital to present me with a brown Italian leather-bound journal of my own to start our own capital B-Book.


The following are a few excerpts to brighten your day. If you’re in the mood to chuckle, read on. If not, come back later.

Twinkle Toes age 2 and a half: “Daddy where are you going?”

Ice: “I’m going to work so I can buy you things. Like when you get older you’ll need car insurance.  What else do I have to buy you?

Twinkle: “Diamonds.”


Techno age 5: “Mom, is it still today?”

Ice talking to Techno age 5: “I’m going on a date with a hot girl.”

Techno: “Where is Mom going?”

Ice yelled at Twinkle for pulling on our ridiculously expensive window treatments: “Even when I yell at you I still love you.”

Twinkle: I know, but I cry when you love me!”

Ice to both kids explaining about the body: “A smart way to tell Mom you have to pee is to say urinate. Can you say urinate?”


Twinkle age 4: “I’m Nate.”



There. Now you have your bathroom humor covered for 2014. You can thank me later.