The Most Unexpected Connection

When I started blogging almost nine years ago, I was just entering a new decade, turning back the clock on Motherhood, starting over again (after an 8-year hiatus) with a beautiful new baby and in the thick of motherhood: https://titanimom.com/2013/03/22/forty-and-fearless-2/ This was a space to enjoy one of my lifelong passions of writing. It has always lit me up. Reading other’s words that are so relatable to my own stage of life or a new perspective that hasn’t been considered is pure gold to me. And when I am able to make the time to craft something myself, it is incredibly therapeutic to write. Sometimes taking a step back, considering a particular experience and reflecting helps make more sense of what is going on in my life. And without a doubt this collection of entries has been a love letter to my kids. It’s a chronicle of their growing up over the better part of a decade.

I was only able to make time for one entry in all of 2021. I must have had at least 100 ideas throughout the year of things I wanted to get out of my head, things I thought would be of value to others, but in the minutiae of the days and weeks and months, it never happened. This came from https://titanimom.com/2020/12/27/im-not-finished-with-you-yet-2020/ and was a recap of 2020: “The year brought unease, confusion, disruption and anger. And yet, overwhelming abundance, renewed strength, clarity and lots of love. These things all exist together. And one can’t appreciate the good without the bad. And the longer I live, the more examples I have of the resilience that lives within to weather such ups and downs.”

Didn’t everyone have the perspective that 2020 would be so much better? It just had to be, right? And yet, 2021 took my precious Mother, very unexpectedly, with little warning and way too soon. I won’t launch into the heartbreaking details of what transpired in this space. But as those who have lost a loved one they were incredibly close to know, it goes without saying a corner has been turned, there is no going back and things will forever be altered.

No big plans to ring in the new year yesterday. Staying close to home and enjoying a cozy evening in front of the fire was where my heart was at. But I did go to the Zoo with most of my crew yesterday. We bundled up and took a stroll around to see what animals we could find braving the cold. One of the most unexpected things happened while I was there: I was able to connect with an animal who, in the most unlikely of places, symbolized to me exactly what I was feeling.

Now this picture is from a previous visit. I had no presence of mind yesterday to snap a picture of the creature I connected with. It was just too impactful to do anything else but stare in wonder and just take in the moment. One of the lionesses just roared. I stopped in my tracks and just stared at her. She continued to roar for a few moments. Very unexpectedly, tears started forming in my eyes. I could not fully understand why I was having this reaction. And as I pondered it further, I concluded that it just felt like if I was capable, it would be something I would want to do and for some length of time. Let it all out – declare the utter resolve, grief, hope, anger and love for what came before, what is and what is yet to be.

I delved into what different meanings a lion’s roar can have. And one of the things I settled on that I liked most was a roar can be a sign of strength and health. There have been many moments since her passing that I have felt like I am clawing and scratching for my strength and health. Yet others filled with brilliant joy and understanding. Just as quickly as one set of emotions can overtake me, so can another set of emotions far more desirable. (I have tried to warn those closest to me that I am all over the map and just try and roll with me!) And the more it happens the more faith I have that things will eventually balance out.

So as a new year starts (and if you have been a reader you know I do not do new year’s resolutions! https://titanimom.com/2020/01/01/no-resolutions-here/) I have contemplated what my focus will be and I have arrived at Trust. Trust that things are working out as they should, that through all the ups and downs there will be balance and things will come back to center, trust that someday this might make a shred of sense and trust that my health and strength are present, reliable and abundant.

Are you in the midst of experiencing some challenges in your life or are you finding yourself on a new path? Have you been inspired to move towards some growth for yourself? Request my Jumpstart to Clarity resource here: https://mailchi.mp/bbd8dfc41edd/jumpstart-to-clarity

© Jennifer Scheidt and Titanimom, 2022. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jennifer Scheidt and Titanimom with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I’m not finished with you yet, 2020.

“You were always here and yet I see you for the first time”. ~Hua Zhou, Mulan

This quote from the movie Mulan really struck a chord with me. Mulan’s father apologizes to his daughter after she returns from her epic battle against Northern Chinese invaders and laments that his foolish pride drove her away.

If 2020 taught me anything, overwhelmingly it is to be grateful for every day, every moment – good or bad – and every breath. New day (after new day), you’ve been here all along. But collectively, I think we all see you in a very different light.

We spent Christmas day in a movie marathon such as I can’t recall. In year’s gone by there were family events to make. This year was a multitude of drives by for my husband’s family. A honk from the driveway or the street and a wave was the sum total of celebration. But the act of doing it, making the effort and sharing the sentiments was heart warming. And one could say, what a blessing that it wasn’t a nursing home or hospital window, because it could just as easily could have been.

Usually I can’t sit still. I am cleaning, shopping, exercising, working, counseling, writing, mediating, driving, or coordinating. The thought of looking around at the abundance of mess and gift wrappings, crumbs and dishes and looking the other way towards my family and our time together was delicious. We watched four movies. Some came and went. Some watched them in their entirety. But the moratorium on everyone on their devices for some reason or another, and the living room furniture and floor filled with my family was precious.

The year brought unease, confusion, disruption and anger. And yet, overwhelming abundance, renewed strength, clarity and lots of love. These things all exist together. And one can’t appreciate the good without the bad. And the longer I live, the more examples I have of the resilience that lives within to weather such ups and downs.

And now I am to the point in my Motherhood journey that I am watching my teenagers weather their own ups and downs. And the desire to protect them from every heartache and sadness, difficult as it is to witness, has dimmed. How can they have perspective, wisdom and resilience without some?

I hope to take the lessons of this unimaginable year and carry them with me into 2021 and let the best of the best remain and the worst of the worst re-shape.

For me, this is not goodbye, 2020.

Wandering and pondering in December by Lake Michigan

Are you in the midst of experiencing some challenges in your life or are you finding yourself on a new path? Have you been inspired to move towards some growth for yourself? Request my new Jumpstart to Clarity resource here: https://mailchi.mp/bbd8dfc41edd/jumpstart-to-clarity

© Jennifer Scheidt and Titanimom, 2020. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jennifer Scheidt and Titanimom with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Thanksgiving 2020: One to Remember

Yesterday started with utter excitement to welcome home my college Freshman. Day’s long preparations for a small Thanksgiving celebrated at our home. Thoughts of what it would be like at the end of the day to hug my son who I haven’t seen in almost 3 months. It was a big deal. 18 years with no more than a week separating us maybe once a year and then almost 3 months elapsed! It was surreal.

I have never been more grateful.

A successful 8+ hour surgery for my Godfather kicked off the week. He has a long road ahead of him. But his mindset and positive outlook have amazed me throughout his illness. And he is being rewarded with fast healing. The nurse said she hadn’t seen anyone be moved out of ICU as quickly as he for a surgery of its kind. Hopefully a speedy return to his home and family is imminent.

I have never been more grateful.

You may have heard the saying, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. When I have the ability to move my body and get my heart rate up, I relish it. I took a yoga class recently and the instructor guided us to lay on the mat at the end of class and “melt” into the mat after a successful practice. To be honest it made my eyes leak a little. I was diagnosed with a musculoskeletal condition almost 25 years ago that has made things a little challenging for me to say the least. At the end of the Summer osteoarthritis was added to the list. I spend a fair amount of time mitigating discomfort and don’t move near as fast as I used to. But everytime I look forward to Yoga, cycling or a brisk walk like the one I was able to enjoy with a friend yesterday I am reminded that for Today, I get to move. It means everything to me. Keep passing the Tylenol!

I have never been more grateful.

A career I love and the opportunity to help others, to encourage and lift up other women, many of whom have never experienced the kind of support, encouragement and recognition our organization provides is so gratifying. And the impact that these women have had on me personally and professionally is simply priceless.

I have never been more grateful.

Today we will celebrate under our roof, all my birds in the nest (plus one more bird!) with my family and my parents. This pandemic, this alternate reality we all find ourselves living through has greatly altered what this holiday typically looks like for almost everyone. But it’s given me the opportunity to create something in our home that typically we don’t have the opportunity to do. And scale back. And slow down. And take the time to reflect on how far we’ve come. And appreciate with so much more perspective that Today is what we have. Today is a miracle.

And I have never been more grateful.

Are you in the midst of experiencing some challenges in your life or are you finding yourself on a new path? Have you been inspired to move towards some growth for yourself? Request my new Jumpstart to Clarity resource here: https://mailchi.mp/bbd8dfc41edd/jumpstart-to-clarity

Mother’s Day 2020

Recently a comment jumped out at me on social media about this time our world is in. It stated something to the effect of “not everything has to be transformative. Just survival is good enough”.

This has stuck with me for weeks. I guess it depends on how you look at your own life and what we are here for. This experience has produced much isolation, suffering, depression and sadness no doubt. I am ever mindful of this and grateful for my blessings.

Have I taken time to eat badly, gain weight, binge watch, be down and confused by it all? Yes.

But I guess at the end of the day, I am here to be transformed. No matter the circumstance. Whether it be hindsight 20/20 or an in-the-moment club over the head of insight…I am here to improve my capacity for learning, wisdom and experience. And it’s my responsilbility to share it with others and to serve in my best capacity. Yes, I want to survive, but I crave being able to THRIVE.

I am a Mother. And this new and strange journey with all of my children these last 7 weeks has been one of great reflection, observation and inspiration. We have done our best to thrive together.

A drive-by birthday celebration for my Father.

New places to complete homework (in an unseasonably warm, early Spring day)

Mixed in with creativity and fresh air.

The Moms are doing the home schooling, communicating with teachers, coordinating the virtual play dates, exercising, online shopping, working from home, working outside of the home, sanitizing, cleaning, coordinating different kinds of celebrations, keeping it together and being hopeful, modeling strength and positivity. This is transforming me the most.

I want my kids to be able to thrive. They are missing out on a lot of traditional things we take for granted. And some very important rites of passage. But I would much rather try to help them with focusing on the positive and working through ways to overcome and adapt than just using every day as a means to “wait it out” until whatever new normal we will return to.

The homemade cards today, my favorite french toast and sweet smiles and hugs is showing me we are transforming together and thriving.

Happy Mother’s Day to all who mother. Next year at this time we will have come so far.

Senior Year…a cliffhanger

The big hair and bangs. The scrunchies. Vanilla Ice, Ice Baby and Pretty Woman. Some pop culture things I remember from my Senior year.

The parties, Senior skip day, spring break, prom and graduation – for some even working your first jobs…all rights of passage for Seniors.

Since the “safer at home” order I had an intuition this day would come. And even though I have been preparing for it, the news hit me quite a bit harder than I had anticipated today.

School is closed for the remainder of this year.

Senior year for my son and his classmates has become like the show you watched that didn’t get picked up for another season…what happened?! They left me hanging! No closure. It just faded to black…

The kids my son grew up with were born during the time of 9/11. In their Senior year the unforseen and unprecedented global health crisis that is unfolding every day places the cap on the end of their youth. It is like a surreal dream. I know there are SO many sacrificing so much. I keep snapping my thoughts back to this reality and the repeated realization that one person’s problem with this situation pales in comparison with another and we are ALL not alone.

However, today – THIS day – it sinks in hard and I can’t brush it aside. I am going to be sad for my first-born. The things that will not be. The graduation somehow orchestrated or ?? For all the Moms and Dads of the Class of 2020, this pity party is for you and your seniors today. Want an invite?

Tomorrow will be time for the forward-looking hope that something wonderful is on the other side of this unexplainable loss. History is being written for the books right now and generations to come. THIS generation is on the brink of a new way of life, new issues to face and new ways in which to manage them.

I do wonder what my son’s reflections will be on this when he is decades out of high school like his Mom. What lessons learned now will drive where he and his classmates go in the future?

There is some grief I don’t want to overlook or deny. But it’s also my responsibility to make sure that I honor it and let it pass. That is what I would want my son to do so he doesn’t waste a minute being anything less than excited and hopeful for what awaits him around the next corner. The sun will rise (presumably!) tomorrow and we will look forward to the pilot episode of the next chapter. I know in my heart it’s going to be a good one. We may even binge watch.

New Habits

Got on the scale this morning and to my shock the number was something higher than I had seen in about 20 years (minus an impending birth of one of my three kids) OUCH! I mean seriously, I was stunned. It takes about 21 days to build a habit. And well, here we are… I am building habits, people!

I am in the habit of looking for Easter chocolates at lunch, dinner and beyond. I am in the habit of binge watching my favorite show every night with one of my ultimate snacking weaknesses, pretzel pieces – cheddar please – and a glass of red wine nearby. I am in the habit of deciding it’s a better idea to stay up til midnight (watching said shows) and pull the covers over my head far too many cold mornings than I should rather than taking a brisk walk before home schooling my second grader begins.

“The new normal”, a common phrase right now. This is my new normal. And I am raising the white flag right now. I need to make some changes!

Some of the habits I do not want to change:

resurrecting Harry Potter and reading it aloud as my little discovers it
baking with my sophomore and cooking dinners with my senior
walks alone where I can breathe and think and pray
phone calls to my parents and siblings replacing endless streams of texts in between all the busy
more family dinners together
board games
time to journal and write
mailing more letters
living for today

In my heart I know there is no going back. Just like our worlds were forever altered in some capacity after 911, this global emergency will leave a long-lasting mark. The bell can’t be unrung. But out of all this new habits have formed that I know will leave long-lasting marks that I want to be left.

You are my sunshine

Yesterday was a gray day, cold. A light rain mist.
Not my favorite walking conditions but under the circumstances I wholeheartedly embraced it.
I needed a mental health break and to get my heart rate up and all the feel good endorphins before starting with homeschooling.

I only encountered three people in my 3 miles.
I made a special point to say good morning to the elderly gentleman walking in the same direction as myself but on the other side of the street.
He greeted me back and said,

“We’re the only ones out here!”

I responded,
” If we keep looking, I bet we’ll spot some more!”

I did encounter a smiling woman and another elderly gentleman on my walk who appeared appeared to be sporting a veterans hat.

I happened by a local boutique I have not been able to visit in a while and miss frequenting.
It is obviously shuttered for the time being. There were beautiful clothes in the window that just called to me and I thought it would be fun to peek in and see what her Spring displays looked like.

What I was not expecting was to walk away with tears in my eyes and a feeling of Hope in my heart. The first thing that greeted me was a sign with the words:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
you make me happy when skies are gray..m

Words to a song I sang over and over as I sat with my grandmother and held her hand as she was living out her final days in a hospital bed.

It was gray, and it didn’t look like the sun was coming out again. But it was a wonderful message of hope that hit me from a place I can’t see or get to. But I know she’s there.

I collected myself and walked away… tears disappearing and a smile in my heart.

No matter where you are or what you are going through, I encourage you to look for these signs of Hope every day. It might be the only thing that gets you through. It might be everything.

What are your signs of hope? I would love to start a conversation here and be filled with it!

Make Peace

I love being a work in progress. I’ve made so much peace with that.~Mariska Hargitay

A quote I heard yesterday in an interview with the actress. YES!

Resonated with me so strongly. It is a hard-fought road to get to the place where one can say this and mean it to the core. It is a messy, painful, glorious, emotional, blessed and treasured journey to get there.

It is the very reason I have not lived in this precious space for over two years. Too immersed in raising teens, journeying through several serious health conditions with three generations of three of the most important people in my life, nurturing some intense personal development and just trying to breathe. I could not bring myself to carve out the time to create. It was a marathon for reflection, focus, faith and acceptance.

How I have missed this outlet. It’s been getting to a crescendo and then the voice in my head bent on sabotage snuck in one too many times. But this time, I have a much more forceful reply. It will not dictate where I can go or what I can do. It might be a daily reminder. It might be by the hour. But I still hold fast to dreams, to growth, to hope and to new adventures. And I will be working some of that out here once again.

Feels good.

© Jennifer Scheidt and Titanimom, 2019. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jennifer Scheidt and Titanimom with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Harding Icefield Trail: A Surprising Metaphor for Marriage

The trip I would have never wanted to take. The destination: too unknown and too far away. The travel time: my furthest distance ever traveled on a plane. Not to mention the childcare arrangements for ten days and the anxiety of what may not go to plan in those days back at home. The activities, car pooling, all those meals, baths that would probably never happen and the sibling rivalry and chaos about to be gifted to our poor unsuspecting families. (Well they do know our kids, they must have suspected something!)

I live in an alternate reality the days leading up to whenever Ice and I travel. The urge to stress and worry is never far away. Yet the older I get and the more successful journeys we have taken, this coping method proves to be futile. Simply put it was amazing and far more than I ever imagined.

Ice has been laser-focused for years on visiting Alaska. He pretty much knew whether I was in or not, he was going for his next milestone birthday. There was a pull that was very strong and he needed to discover it. Conveniently too, every milestone birthday he celebrates we also celebrate one in our marriage. How could I not adventure ahead?

After tossing around using the services of a travel agent, he decided he would plan the itinerary himself. Flawlessly I might add. After studying maps and books, guides and magazines, he more than had a handle on what we might want to do and where.

I did my very best to rise to the occasion once being told I could only take a backpack! A back pack you say? Does this man not know I travel with everything but the kitchen sink?! Huge character flaw but I own it. I like to be ready for anything from migraines to surprise dressier occasions to a last minute entry into a 5k or a spontaneous do-it-yourself pedicure. It happens! We went so far as to do a “practice pack” two weeks before just to be sure I could fit all my necessities in my pack. Happy to say it went well and I felt pretty confident I would rock this.

This was it for 10 days!

Our journey started off in Juneau at 11 pm on a Thursday night. Walking off the plane in the light of day at that hour was surreal, but so very cool. And I will never forget the intense smell of the trees as we walked outside the airport. It was intoxicating.

We packed so much into those 10 days. The Alaska Railroad, Denali National Park, a Kenai Fjords boat tour for glacier viewing and whale watching, a two-mile sled dog ride with Iditarod-winning dogs and on and on.

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES

But the highlight for me was an eight-hour hike we completed in the Kenai Fjords National Park on the Harding Icefield Trail. It was predicted to rain that day. Not the news I wanted to hear. But we had come prepared with all the gear and all this long way so we were definitely forging ahead.

We had been told the first one-third or so of the trail to be on the lookout for bears. I had become all too familiar with the trepidation of hiking with this knowledge when we were in Denali National Park. But it was still very unsettling and something to try and get used to.

As we set out it was very clear this trail was no joke. In many portions of the trail one misplaced step could have been disastrous. It was exhilarating and sobering all at the same time. Hiking up and up for hours on end.

Hiking up and up

The more we climbed thoughts just started coming into my head about how this hike was such a metaphor for marriage. There were things to look out for that could have compromised our safety, like the bear danger (of which yes a Mama black bear and her cub were on the trail with us we were told by several hikers but we just missed seeing them in the bushes) – much like the commitment of marriage and the pitfalls so many encounter within their years together.

I truly loved the climb upward. The anticipation of the view at the top kept me going. The climb down would be harder. Harder slowing down the steep momentum in some places and just kind of “been there done that, I want this to be over” feeling took over. Of course Ice was the reverse. He was spurred on by the fact that the climb down would be so much shorter. And in fact once we arrived at our destination and started to head back he encouraged us to run down the mountain together. Run! We ran past many hikers and people asking us “how much longer to the Icefield?” The trail certainly flew by running down the mountain! It took us half the amount of time that first part than it had in the ascent.

In marriage, once you have experienced something and develop your strategy for moving over it, the descent does become quicker as time goes on. It may not be easier, as in my case, but the familiar feeling of a challenge and how to get past it does.

Where is the rest of the trail?

It was right about here that we got lost. We searched for about 30 minutes to pick up the trail. I was getting impatient and wanted to call it. We had gone in several different directions and the trail markings were not leading us where we wanted to go. At times the clouds were nipping at our heels and it felt a little unsettling being up there and losing sight of where we had come from. After encountering some Italian hikers who had spent the night up near the Icefield, they helped direct our way.

The trail as it looked behind us as the clouds rolled in

“It takes a village” as the saying goes. Many times we need help staying on track. Thankfully my husband and I have our faith and have relied heavily on that. But sometimes others who have gone farther ahead on the journey prove to be great support and sources of wisdom.

And pacing is important. When we were starting off I was leading the way. As things progressed, Ice moved into the pole position. And at times we were separated on that mountain. I stopped frequently to take photographs. His long legs propelled him further at a pace faster than I. We tackled the climb but at a different pace.

Wait for me!

But the most standout part of the climb was the beauty, the views and the perspective. We saw so many breathtaking sights. The extreme effort, the uncertainty, the faith in the worth of what lie ahead (the Harding Icefield!)…it all came together as we kept venturing further up that mountain. Who knew Alaska would capture my heart as it did? I would have never accomplished this climb alone. And I was so honored to be asked to do it with this guy.

A kiss with a view and twenty years’ perspective

© Jennifer Scheidt and Titanimom, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jennifer Scheidt and Titanimom with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Most Powerful Word in the English Language

For the last several years I have selected a word or phrase of intention for the year. Kind of like a theme. A beacon to guide my handling of life and to give some perspective. I can’t recall exactly when I was introduced to this idea. But it was an author whose books were popular among friends of mine several years ago. I thought “Why not? What could it hurt?”

Some of my past examples?

Faith.

Let it go.

Hope.

This year’s catalyst for my word? Another book found its way into my hands at just the perfect time.
Forgiveness.

And it has made all the difference.

Forgiveness is hard. Perhaps that is why it is underrated. You and I find forgiveness hard because we are stubborn. Rather than stepping out to healing, we often prefer to sit and feed off our wounds because they are familiar and comfortable. It is easier to do nothing. Maybe we struggle with forgiveness because we are lazy or because we are afraid. But understand this: Forgiveness will transform you and your relationships once you release its power into your life. You will find a new and higher level of living and of relationships. Forgiveness is the most powerful word in the English language.

~Allen R. Hunt Everybody Needs to Forgive Somebody

Whoa.

We can all think of someone -be it a neighbor, co-worker, friend or family member- who is a grudge holder. I know I can. I have some grudge holding in my genetic makeup.

Sadly, there are some past hurts that just won’t be set free in my extended family. And the ripple effect of these decisions far outweighs the original intent in my mind. Hurt begets hurt begets hurt. Enough.

Forgiveness has more clearly set my relationships right with Ice and my children. With my family and my friends. With co-workers and with the kid at the drive-thru window who didn’t greet me before announcing my total with a grunt and just his hand out. As I type these words I can think of an example where this mantra this year has served its intended purpose. And I am so grateful for it.

Speaking of the drive thru…

Recently Ice shared one of his experiences. He pulled into a fast food place at the back of their parking lot. The cars were already lined up. The angle he was accessing the line made it so he had to wait for the last car to pull up a little for his vehicle to file in. But it was clear to anyone watching that he was “next” in line inching in behind the last car.

As luck would have it a pick-up truck pulled in through the drive thru circle and made sure he left no room for Ice to inch his way in. Even though it was clear Ice had been there waiting first. The driver of the truck made sure to signal with some choice gestures and set the tone.

So this is how it’s gonna be. You know you’ve been there. Whatever it was that caused that feeling of indignation, anger or dare I say, revenge.

There are several ways this could have gone. It was just the degree to which the situation could have escalated that I was concerned about as he was sharing this with me. But I did not see this coming…

He approached the loud-speaker to place his order. After placing the order he asked the employee if he could pay for the driver of the truck’s order! And watching ahead at the driver, he could tell there was some kind of exchange going on between the driver and the employee. Over the loud-speaker the employee hesitated in their response to Ice’s request. As I am hearing this I am thinking, what is the hesitation? The driver wouldn’t let him pay?? No, not that at all. Would you believe the driver had already paid for Ice’s order?! Yep, did not see that coming.

This is just one amazing example that the power of forgiveness has to heal and repair. The fact that both men were willing to extend this gift was awesome. And the beauty of it is, when given to others it really helps us free ourselves. Hanging on to hurts and wrongs against us gets heavy and burdensome. Why be bogged down with such baggage?

As I have been exercising my forgiveness muscles this year, it finally dawned on me, what about the forgiveness we deny ourselves? What burdens do we hang on to that add to the load we carry?

I can’t lose the weight.

I don’t measure up.

I failed to reach the goal.

I’m not enough.

It brought to mind a situation I found myself in several years back. Long story made short a misunderstanding occurred that created a very awkward situation for some friends. I found myself in the middle and made a couple of choices I now regret. Feelings were hurt. Apologies were made repeatedly. Attempts to explain what had transpired were offered. But in the end, the choice to accept these attempts was denied and I have held the burden ever since.

Over time when I encounter the individual most offended it’s uncomfortable and awkward all over again. But after time and space it’s clear to me I didn’t believe I could just choose to let go. Forgive myself. I didn’t realize the problem wasn’t with her. It was with me. What else can I do? I made every effort to set it right. The sad part is she still holds her burden and the key to set it down and move on.

I so want my children to be able to adopt this way of living as they grow older. It will make their journey through life so much more enjoyable and fulfilling. And kids always have a wonderful way of demonstrating forgiveness. One minute could be a huge teenage drama and the next it’s I’m sorry and on to what’s for dinner? I love that.

There is almost no greater gift we can give ourselves than to forgive. It’s a fresh start. A new beginning. It paves the way for more good stuff to get in and also be given out. It clears the clouds and allows the sun to shine.

Forgive.