“Ready to Let Go of the Steering Wheel”

I’m ready, ready for the laughing gas
I’m ready, I’m ready for what’s next
I’m ready to duck, I’m ready to dive
I’m ready to say ‘I’m glad to be alive’
I’m ready for the push
In the cool of the night
In the warmth of the breeze
I’ll be crawling around
On my hands and knees

Zoo Station
Zoo Station

I’m ready, ready for the gridlock
I’m ready for what’s next
I’m ready for the shuffle, ready for the deal
Ready to let go of the steering wheel
I’m ready for the crush…

Achtung Baby U2 Album Cover

Driving down the freeway on an errand with my 11-year old son Techno, iPod blaring Zoo Station*, I was sharing with him the finer points of one of my favorite bands of all-time, U2 .

As with most music lovers you can hear a song and immediately place yourself in that moment when you first heard it or when you enjoyed it most. In my case, 18 years old, just heading off to a big college, experiencing freedom that I had never had before and loving every second. Listening to this album (yes we used to call them albums not CD’s!) in a bar or a dorm room having no knowledge that it would strike me on the freeway more than twenty years later, just one lyric, and bring tears to my eyes and a flutter in my heart. Beside my son no less. Okay, get a grip, girl and take it down a notch!

For months Ice and I have been going through the arduous process to become licensed to foster and ultimately adopt a child. To us a boy whose name we don’t know with a face we can’t place. A boy who is looking for a forever family that just might be smack in the middle of ours.

In and of itself this concept is almost unbelievable to me. Wait, not almost, it IS. For those that know me and just watched me go through a spectrum of craziness even I did not know I was capable of it would appear kind of unbelievable to them as well I could imagine.

It started with 11-11-11, or as I like to call it “Freaky Friday”, the date I found out at age just-shy-of-39 that I was pregnant with my third baby, Little Bee. A wonderful, magical blessing for SURE. Age difference between her two older siblings: eight and ten years. Idea that this was the plan for me at this stage in my life: NOT.A.CLUE.

Me and my Shadow

Little Bee is now 19-months old. Without a doubt she is one of the single BEST adventures that life has taken me on. Okay, so maybe God does know what he is doing. If I wasn’t sure before, mine eyes have been opened and the light is blinding!

Ice and I had contemplated fostering a child before. He had successfully mentored two brothers through Big Brothers/Big Sisters for well over a decade. He worked in a building where an agency that places children into foster homes had office space. Being in commercial construction his company did work for this agency when they needed construction services. But for me I do not think it was anything more than something really amazing to imagine. I didn’t really think we would actually DO it.

Little Bee came along and it kind of sealed the deal for me. Fostering a child would most definitely not happen now. My world was turned upside down (in the most amazing way) with the arrival of this gorgeous little person. It just didn’t feel right then.

Time marched on. Routines were established (or at least feeding and bathing her, not necessarily me!) And life resumed its ebb and flow. The idea hung low in my brain, like a fog. Lingering. Or like a whisper in my ear.

Then one day I was standing in line waiting to enter a dance performance for my nine-year-old daughter, Twinkle Toes and another whisper demanded to be heard.

The people standing in front of me had a four-month-old baby in their arms. His name was Jake. Through a brief conversation I found out that he would be leaving them soon – to be adopted. Realization washed over me. They were foster parents. This was their ONE HUNDRED and TWELFTH BABY. Speechless.

I immediately texted Ice and shared that the whisper was getting louder. We needed to talk.

That was nine months ago, odd. Nine months. We are now almost finished with the four-month process to be certified to receive placement of a child. We are looking for a boy between the ages of three and seven years.

It’s taken me awhile to collect and sort out my thoughts to write about this newest adventure. It is stressful and anxiety-ridden in its own way. There have been moments where I really have questioned if I can handle this. And I am positive there will be more moments. Not a reason not to do it. Especially after feeling somehow led to do it. But still. Life is sure to change again in a big way and in ways I can’t even imagine as of yet. But what I learned from my experience with Little Bee that I could have ONLY learned after she blessed our lives…

Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
It’s alright… it’s alright… it’s alright… It’s alright

Hey baby… hey baby… hey baby… hey baby…
It’s alright, it’s alright*

This is what I am choosing to remind myself day after day. And even when I forget to let go of the wheel, there are amazing people around me that remind me as well.

View out my kitchen window last week

Stay tuned…there will most surely be more to come!

*Excerpt of Lyrics from Zoo Station by U2,1991

Six Ways a Stay-At-Home-Mom Stays Sane During the Polar Vortex

Okay, who even knew that the word “Polar Vortex” existed three months ago? Google this: there is a Wikipedia page devoted to the “2014 North American Cold Wave.” Makes me want to crawl into a vat of hot chocolate and warm up.

Source: Businessweek.com

I remember when snow days actually meant a day off from school because there was just A LOT OF SNOW. Not temps that would freeze my eyebrows on contact. Kids could head outside and get some of the zoobers out. (Technical term, I know). You know sled, make snow forts, hit each other in the eye with snowballs.

After looking back on the five-day break my kids just had off from school here in the Midwest there were a few key things that helped me get through the frigidly cold and claustrophobic days.

1. Exercising – In a moment of sheer madness I accepted an invitation online for the “Plank Challenge.” A way to torture my midsection that seemed like an interesting idea on January 2nd. But it proved to be a great idea to build up a little sweat and some endurance during this time. Each day brought an increase in the time to hold the plank, eventually working up to five minutes. Yeah, I don’t know if I’ll get there. But it was fun to involve Techno and Twinkle and watch them do the same. It also inspired me to add a few other fun exercises we can do together as well. Jumping jacks and squats were never so much fun.

Source: Health.com

2. Reading – Travel magazines…and LOTS of them! If I couldn’t be in Turks and Caicos I sure enjoyed looking at the photos and enjoyed someone else’s good fortune to be there!

3. Sleepovers with some of the kids’ friends – It was great to break that brother/sister sibling tension with a little buffer. Having some other kids around broke up the monotony for them and me.

4.Car trips to break up the day– Gotta make a trip to the bank? Whoo hoo! What else can we do? Drive through for coffee? Stop at Target and scan aisles for things we don’t need like sparkly paperclips and Hello Kitty lip gloss? Perfect. And I think I can stop for gas and hit the Redbox to pickup a DVD for the evening.

5. Daily Boggle matches – Matching wits with my kids is humbling. Two rounds with my nine-year old and she had found two six letter words and beat me!

6. Counting our blessings that we don’t live in Atlanta, Georgia – It was surreal watching news of 18-hour highway backups and traffic jams, a baby being born in the car amid the snowstorm and children sleeping overnight on school buses and in their schools. In the Midwest we are more than equipped to handle winter!

The kids dreaded going back to school this week after being so out of the daily routine. And truth be told their Mom missed them a little bit.

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Still Evelyn

“What if I see you, and I don’t know that you’re my daughter, and I don’t know that you love me?”
“Then, I’ll tell you that I do, and you’ll believe me.”
― Lisa Genova, Still Alice

You know the task that hangs over your head? The one you just can’t bring yourself to start because you know once you do, you are in for it? You have opened the Pandora’s box and there is no turning back, You’re committed.

That task and I met up last Saturday and it’s still a work in progress. Cleaning out my office in order to make a more user-friendly space for Techno and Twinkle Toes. A reading nook or a homework room is the goal. The idea sounds delicious. But standing in my way is eleven years of business – files, folders, conference notes, reading material and journals. Childhood memorabilia, photos, cards, magazines, knick knacks and books grace the shelves. It’s been a walk back in time; many different memories to relive and enjoy. And always present is the decision to purge or save. To toss or keep. To dream further or let that idea go for good. It is exhausting.

I stumbled upon an envelope torn open. It was addressed to my Mom. I pulled out the contents and remembered. Memory is such an essential thing. Almost like breathing. Aren’t we blessed to have it?

The envelope contained a letter from my Aunt to my Mom. It shared some things that had become routine for my Grandma as she traveled from daughter to daughter to be cared for before Alzheimer’s disease took too much of a toll and her care was left to the professionals.

I thought to myself how odd was it that I found it today? November is National Alzheimer’s Awareness month.

Excerpts from Highlights for the Month of April

“Mom likes a hug each morning when she wakes up and when you come home from anywhere

pink nails, not red

sing-alongs

big band songs

to hold her hand wherever you go out

fresh flowers

to look outside

to peel her own apple each day after you have cut it into four

fast organ music

to iron – she does a great job with tea towels, small tee shirts and handkerchiefs

dancing around the room with you

her pearls

perfume and lipstick each day

to “reach for the sky” when undressing her

telephone calls with some “news”

hot chocolate on a chilly night

her scarf if there is the slightest wind outside

her warm bathrobe in the morning while she has her coffee

to sit outside when the weather allows

for you to fluff her pillow every night

to be asked which color she wants to wear each day

to have her purse in sight at all times

to put on her own nylons and shoes

to be told what day of the week it is each morning

to meet your co-workers or friends

to be led back to bed when she gets up during the night, tucked in and told you will come get her when it’s time to get up.”

How many of these things are so different from what I would do with Little Bee as she is just starting out her life? And what my Grandma experienced as hers was ending? It was unexpected but Grandma found me in my office today. And she made me stop and remember. I miss her. How blessed I am.

Good Call

A few days ago I went for a long walk with my Dad and Little Bee. It took a week to coordinate schedules but it was a call that was long overdue. As summer nears its end, it was a gift of a day. Beautiful and comfortable. Now having a very busy family life, I am ashamed I don’t make time more often to experience such a simple and satisfying activity as a stroll with my Dad.

It was great to catch up on all the important and even mundane things going on in our lives. I took some time afterwards to reflect on the lessons learned from him when growing up in the hopes of being more intentional to pass them on to his grandchildren.

1. It’s always nice to greet people with a smile and say hello. Each person we encountered got a sincere greeting and a smile from my Dad.

2. Be on time and be ready. I can always trust that my Dad will be somewhere when he says he will. And because it was so ingrained in my own upbringing, many times I am unfashionably early or on-time for things. Maybe a little socially uncool…but It’s hard to curb the tendency to be so punctual as the daughter of a military man!

3. Protect your health. Exercise. Take vitamins. Long before GNC’s and juicing were en vogue my Dad was touting the benefits of vitamin C and the like. It has definitely made life easier and more enjoyable to have that example to follow.

4. Enjoy the spice of life. An appreciation for good food and good music is essential to my existence. From a slice of Chicago-style pizza to the funk and soul of Earth Wind and Fire, I can’t imagine how awfully vanilla my life could be if little influences like these had not been on my radar.

5. Be willing to work…hard. Starting with a dose of effort, adding some elements of detail and purpose and finishing with a dash of pride and any project he was willing to put his name on was done right.

6. Make time to goo goo and gaa gaa with the baby. It’s completely endearing how much joy and sweetness are wrapped up in a greeting for Little Bee – or any of my children when they were babies. There is no care or concern for who’s watching or how un-masculine it could be perceived. Babies grow up fast and there is no time to waste a kiss or a squeeze.

7. If you want something in life, find a way to remove the obstacles and make things happen. My Dad started out on a college track that didn’t satisfy or suit him. He made some changes and ended up with a long career he loved as a corporate pilot. When I was little I remember him telling me that one of the best parts of his job was that he could see the sun almost every day. Pretty cool.

Dare I hope there might already be a few seeds of these great tools for living starting to grow in my kids? Glimpses of some of them are already visible. And while on a walk with my Dad it was with great joy that I reminded myself exactly where they came from. Good call.

Just Call Me “Captain No Fun”

Who me? In the span of two weeks we went to the State Fair, Six Flags amusement park, the art museum (the kid portion of it), a children’s fest (with freebies, snow cones and giveaways galore), an outdoor concert, the zoo (twice), and a friend’s cottage for two days (five hours of which was spent tubing off the back of a pontoon boat.)

Yes, I must have earned my moniker.

“Mom, can we buy something in the gift shop?” “No”.

“Can we get something from the cafe?” “No, we packed a lunch.”

“Do you have money to buy this (some toy set at eye level to entice my son)?” “No, you already have several of those at home.”

“I want (insert 27 items here) from the mall. Can we go?” “Not today.”

Yep, Captain No Fun is on the scene and ready to strike.

We made a list before the summer started of the things we wanted to do. It was my attempt to ensure that Techno and Twinkle got ample time to do big kid things while I knew our anchor, Little Bee, would possibly keep us from enjoying a few of the things we might have tried to accomplish if she were a little older.

Periodically I checked the list to ensure we made progress and filled our summer with what they wanted to do. It gave me great pleasure to see that we checked off a lot of activities and added a few surprises too.

Why did some days feel like the point was missed? The two days it took to pack and plan and prepare were worth it but was the bickering and fighting that ensued the reward?

Did they remember the good time or did they focus on the fact that they couldn’t walk away with the commemorative cup of lemonade retailing for $10?

Looking back on the summer I love the memories we made and relish the special time we enjoyed together. It does not elude me that there will never be another summer that I have a 1, 9 and 11-year old. Ever.

As the start of school looms next week, I have been asked many times if I am ready for them to go back. This is the first summer in a few that I dread it just a little. They have been such a HUGE help with Bee this summer. We were settled in to a new normal. And now it will be changing yet again. She is walking now…FAST. And she is very curious. Captain No Fun is just getting warmed up. Look out, Little Bee.

Mission Accomplished

So now the trip…My Mom always said it’s fun to have something to look forward to. I feel like I have lived my life looking forward to things. The upcoming concert, the big party, the wedding, the birth of a child and on and on. The trip I was looking forward to for a couple of years is now over in a blink. And looking back, Mom is right – the anticipation was fun!

Five women leaving their spouses and kids behind for adventure, Florida sun and sand, daily transportation by trolley, side-splitting laughter and snorts, inside jokes, vodka tonics (too many!) and very little sleep – how lucky am I?

It was so fun to learn more about these women in my life as the trip unfolded. We had everything covered from the navigator who rode shotgun to the cook who prepared the best homemade scrambled eggs in recent memory. From the “cruise director” who planned our big excursion to the best parallel parker who shouted turn by turn instructions from the back seat (thank you). And for each one liner that had us all in hysterics I’m sure there is a stand-up comedian somewhere who is jealous.

I loved hanging out in the company of four great friends anticipating the half marathon we would all run together, the relief we would feel when it was over and the ensuing celebration. Having put a lot of pressure on myself to make this race count and try for a “PR” or personal record I was very focused on making that happen. However, I was never so relaxed before a race as on this trip. It could have been the location, the company I was with, the vodka tonics or the delirious lack of sleep. But it was a new and welcome feeling!

However the highlight of the race was not conquering the course or meeting the goal. It was witnessing a friend face the unknown, overcome many hurdles in her training, doubt herself regularly and still show up no matter what. It was watching her smile and wave at the eighth mile and seeing that same smile at the thirteenth mile. Many times throughout the course I thought of her and hoped that she wasn’t wishing I had not dragged her into this experience! And when she crossed that finish line it was such a huge victory and we savored it with her.

I do not know when I will have another opportunity to experience something like this trip again. But that is not for me to worry about. I have these sunburned body parts, these wonderful memories, these amazing friends. Mission accomplished.