When I started blogging almost nine years ago, I was just entering a new decade, turning back the clock on Motherhood, starting over again (after an 8-year hiatus) with a beautiful new baby and in the thick of motherhood: https://titanimom.com/2013/03/22/forty-and-fearless-2/ This was a space to enjoy one of my lifelong passions of writing. It has always lit me up. Reading other’s words that are so relatable to my own stage of life or a new perspective that hasn’t been considered is pure gold to me. And when I am able to make the time to craft something myself, it is incredibly therapeutic to write. Sometimes taking a step back, considering a particular experience and reflecting helps make more sense of what is going on in my life. And without a doubt this collection of entries has been a love letter to my kids. It’s a chronicle of their growing up over the better part of a decade.
I was only able to make time for one entry in all of 2021. I must have had at least 100 ideas throughout the year of things I wanted to get out of my head, things I thought would be of value to others, but in the minutiae of the days and weeks and months, it never happened. This came from https://titanimom.com/2020/12/27/im-not-finished-with-you-yet-2020/ and was a recap of 2020: “The year brought unease, confusion, disruption and anger. And yet, overwhelming abundance, renewed strength, clarity and lots of love. These things all exist together. And one can’t appreciate the good without the bad. And the longer I live, the more examples I have of the resilience that lives within to weather such ups and downs.”
Didn’t everyone have the perspective that 2020 would be so much better? It just had to be, right? And yet, 2021 took my precious Mother, very unexpectedly, with little warning and way too soon. I won’t launch into the heartbreaking details of what transpired in this space. But as those who have lost a loved one they were incredibly close to know, it goes without saying a corner has been turned, there is no going back and things will forever be altered.
No big plans to ring in the new year yesterday. Staying close to home and enjoying a cozy evening in front of the fire was where my heart was at. But I did go to the Zoo with most of my crew yesterday. We bundled up and took a stroll around to see what animals we could find braving the cold. One of the most unexpected things happened while I was there: I was able to connect with an animal who, in the most unlikely of places, symbolized to me exactly what I was feeling.
Now this picture is from a previous visit. I had no presence of mind yesterday to snap a picture of the creature I connected with. It was just too impactful to do anything else but stare in wonder and just take in the moment. One of the lionesses just roared. I stopped in my tracks and just stared at her. She continued to roar for a few moments. Very unexpectedly, tears started forming in my eyes. I could not fully understand why I was having this reaction. And as I pondered it further, I concluded that it just felt like if I was capable, it would be something I would want to do and for some length of time. Let it all out – declare the utter resolve, grief, hope, anger and love for what came before, what is and what is yet to be.
I delved into what different meanings a lion’s roar can have. And one of the things I settled on that I liked most was a roar can be a sign of strength and health. There have been many moments since her passing that I have felt like I am clawing and scratching for my strength and health. Yet others filled with brilliant joy and understanding. Just as quickly as one set of emotions can overtake me, so can another set of emotions far more desirable. (I have tried to warn those closest to me that I am all over the map and just try and roll with me!) And the more it happens the more faith I have that things will eventually balance out.
So as a new year starts (and if you have been a reader you know I do not do new year’s resolutions! https://titanimom.com/2020/01/01/no-resolutions-here/) I have contemplated what my focus will be and I have arrived at Trust. Trust that things are working out as they should, that through all the ups and downs there will be balance and things will come back to center, trust that someday this might make a shred of sense and trust that my health and strength are present, reliable and abundant.
Are you in the midst of experiencing some challenges in your life or are you finding yourself on a new path? Have you been inspired to move towards some growth for yourself? Request my Jumpstart to Clarity resource here: https://mailchi.mp/bbd8dfc41edd/jumpstart-to-clarity
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